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Being a parent is difficult, it is a constant learning process as adults grow with the baby. But even the most attentive and loving parents can make mistakes that affect the child. Some of them are completely insignificant, while others can affect the child’s self-esteem, behavior and family relationships in general. The Russian brand of goods for the whole family, YokoSun, has collected the top most common toxic statements from parents, many of which we say unconsciously.
1. “Don’t run, you’ll fall!” or “Let me do it, you can’t do it!”
Why is this bad?
Such phrases and excessive care make the child lose his independence. Over time, the fear of starting something new appears, because “I won’t succeed anyway.” As a result, self-doubt arises.
How to fix?
It is completely normal that your child may do something worse than you do one of his peers. To learn something, you need to make mistakes: fall into a puddle due to too active running, break a glass due to a careless movement. This is how the baby gains valuable experience.
Yes, it is difficult for anxious parents to let their little child try something new on his own. But often it is simply necessary to allow the child to at least try, even if he does something imperfectly. Avoid typical phrases and remember that our task is to support and be there, and not to do everything for the child.
2. “Vanya is already reading, and you…” or“Why can’t you be like your brother?”
Why is this bad?
Comparisons make us think that there is something wrong with us and cause feelings of inferiority. Jealousy inevitably arises and motivation decreases: “Why try if Vanya will do better anyway?” There is a feeling that the child is loved only for his achievements.
How to fix?
Children don't have to live up to your standards or try to do something better than everyone else. In the end, it is simply not the child’s fault that he lags behind his peers or siblings in some skills.
Love is acceptance. Accepting strengths and weaknesses. Try to praise your child for his strengths and personal successes, without comparing him to others. Then the baby will be able to develop these qualities over time and achieve even greater results, using a path that may be different from the obvious.
3. "Stop crying!" or"Boys don't cry!"
Why is this bad?
In such a situation, the skill of suppressing emotions and hiding real feelings appears. It seems that you always need to control yourself and “be strong,” and the manifestation of emotions, even the most harmless ones, is weakness. Thus, a feeling of loneliness may gradually develop.
How to fix?
Often parents are simply afraid of their children’s bright emotions. For example, loud crying can cause anxiety and stress, which is unbearable to remain in, and then it bursts out by itself: “Stop crying!” But tears do not always mean that the child is in pain, bad, and so on - sometimes it is just a reaction to the most ordinary situation, and this is not the parents’ fault.
Try to understand why you cannot stand your child's tears or other strong emotions. And then just let the baby experience the feelings. Try to pronounce them; “I notice that you are upset, what happened?” This way you will become closer - not physically, but emotionally, and create a space in which the child can safely share his experiences.
4."You'll be without cartoons for a month!" or"You won't go outside anymore!"
Why is this bad?
Harsh punishments (and a month without cartoons for a child is still a harsh punishment) cause fear. In this case, there is no understanding of one’s own mistake. Then the skill of lying appears - it’s easier to deceive in order to avoid consequences than to again lose walks, a phone or cartoons for a whole month.
How to fix?
Usually such phrases are uttered in moments of despair, and when there is no strength left to explain once again, the “heavy artillery” is brought in. Often also in a frightening form.
All this does not mean that a child should not be punished at all. But in order not to repeat the mistake again, he must understand what happened and why he is being deprived of a phone or walks. Firstly, here you definitely need to be patient and still find words that will help you understand exactly what the child is doing wrong. And, secondly, the punishment must be proportionate and logical. For example, if cartoons were turned on in secret from parents, despite the ban, a proportionate and logical punishment would be deprivation of the opportunity to watch them until the end of the week. So the offense is directly related to punishment.
5. “If you behave well, I’ll buy you a toy” or“When you wash the dishes, then you’ll take some candy.”
Why is this bad?
Similar phrases also force the child to suppress emotions, that is, to “behave well”, the way parents need. If in the end he succeeds, he receives a reward, but negative emotions continue to accumulate. Over time, this can result in even more emotional conflicts and feelings of guilt.
How to fix?
This is how parents try to control their child, using, unfortunately, manipulation. This is convenient: in moments of conflict, you can quickly end them with just one promise and shift responsibility.
In fact, the child is unlikely to behave badly on purpose, but in this form he is saying that there are reasons for “bad” behavior. It is more useful for a parent to understand what exactly these reasons are, and how you can help your child to correct them.
Mistakes are normal, the main thing is to notice them in time and correct them. Parenting is not about perfection, but about love and support. Try to gradually change your usual reactions, and you will see how your relationship with your child will improve!